Ich bin ein Britney-er

Now that Britney Spears has all that extra real estate where her hair used to be, I think she should paint the top of her head so that it resembles a Soviet Flag.

Album Review: Lovedrug - Everything Starts Where it Ends

They hand them out like grammys.

Supposedly, Al Gore is going to get an honorary doctorate from The University Of Minnesota for his climatology work. Not even taking into consideration the circumstances surrounding Al Gore's global warming claims I am going to trample the notion that an honorary doctorate holds even an ounce of significance.

In 1989 Mike Tyson was given an honorary doctorate from Central State University. The degree was in humane letters. This is essentially the equivalent of Harvard giving an honorary doctorate in Hebrew Studies to David Duke. Granted, this was before Mike Tyson raped a bitch and made a feast out of Evander Holyfield's ear but it was well known beforehand that Mike Tyson was somewhat of an animal. What were they thinking though???? I recognize the fact that Central State University is a predominately black college, but I find it really hard to believe that there wasn't a single person at the "lets give out an honorary doctorate" board meeting who suggested somebody other than Mike Tyson. If they were going to pick somebody as over the top as Mike Tyson, they should have just given the doctorate to Shaft.

Album Review: Jesu - Conqueror

This record is fucking fantastic, therefore if it were to be converted into a bible character the name Moses pops into my head. Moses was a great fella too except for when he went apeshit and threw the 10 commandments off the mountain in a fit of rage. He had to have taken out and/or crippled at least one person with that little stunt.

STREAM THIS SHIT!

Hombre means MAN!

Having a photo vanish after you get photographed doing something cool is one of the worst things ever. In 2006 I was photographed in the act of consuming Irish Car Bomb's on at least 5 seperate occasions. These photos have yet to turn up, which is rather disconcerting. Maybe I just look so awesome drinking alcohol that my friends are hesitant to brandish these photos to the outside world. When I look at it like that it's not a bummer, but rather another addition to the already long list of things that inflate my gigantic ego.

Excelsior to ME!

At least she didn't say she wanted to be like Hitler.

Madonna was quoted earlier today saying that she wants to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King....but she wants to stay alive.

I have an idea for her. Since every celebrity seems to be jumping on the Save Darfur bandwagon she can go over there and lead all the displaced refugee's in an act of non-violent protest(which she would never ever do in a million lifetimes). Hopefully, somebody will then shoot her in the head and drag her dead body across Sudan so she can't make ignorant statements like that ever again.

She obvously has no conception of the struggle Gandhi had to go through because no rational person would ever want to go through what he did, or even come close to it. I'm sure she wants all the glory of being as revered as the aformentioned men but with minimal effort put forth and a solid gold jet to fly around in. Thats some pretty asinine wishful thinking though. A legacy of Gandhi's kind usually comes with a large price. Nobody ever wants to be put into a situation where they could become a martyr, it usually just happens.

An evening of Hong Kong blood opera part deux.

One of the reviews I read for this movie stated that "nearly half of Hong Kong is gunned down ." While that statement was a slight exaggeration it sums up what to expect perfectly. Hard Boiled was John Woo's final directorial effort in Hong Kong before he came over to The United States to continue his career. The action sequences are some of the best I have ever seen, and Chow Yun Fat is absolutely electrifying, reprising his typical Hong Kong role as a dual Beretta toting cop/triad who is always one step away from getting fired.

Hard Boiled is divided up into three major action scenes but none of them hold a candle to the third and final hospital shootout. Mind you, the only thing cooler than firing guns in a hospital is firing guns at/during church. The 40 minute hospital shootout is one of the most breathtaking spectacles I have ever witnessed and it is definitely a must-see for anyone into action movies. As usual the character Chow Yun Fat plays adds a lot of style to the movie. I don't think there is anybody out there except for maybe Clint Eastwood who looks more badass gunning somebody down than Chow Yun Fat. Some might say that killing people gets old, but John Woo has such a flair for turning average shootouts into dramatic pieces of art. Hard Boiled isn't as dramatic as some of John Woo's other movies like A Better Tomorrow or The Killer, but this movie gets by on just the action scenes alone.......yes they are that awesome.

The only problem with this movie is that it is out of print. The criterion collection version goes for up to 150 bucks on "the internets" but I managed to find a regular copy on amazon.com for 35 bucks. That might seem like a lot for a DVD but it was worth every penny.

10 essential "single guy" songs

For single guys like me, Valentines Day serves little to no purpose. While all my friends have been out running up huge tabs with the good people over at FTD florists, I have been sitting around listening to the new Anberlin record while trying to conjure up dinosaur related Valentines Day card ideas for a friend of mine. I'm not one of those Uncle Scrooge types who flood this joyful occasion with deluges of pessimism but it is a little entertaining to see everyone running around preparing everything at the last minute.

From a musical standpoint this is the time of year when everyone breaks out their love lists. Zine writers like myself love making lists and people who read zines enjoy reading lists. It's a win/win situation as far as I'm concerened so without further ado I present to you a list of 10 essential "single guy" songs.

1. Pantera - Fucking Hostile
The easiest way to get out of a relationship would be to try and play this song during sex.

2. Every Time I Die - I Been Gone A Long Time
Anytime I play this song at a party something gets destroyed and one look at the lyrics should give you an idea of what this song is all about.

3. Piebald - Fear and Loathing On Cape Cod
3 dudes load up a van with contraband and get really fucked up. Thats called man business. SINGLE man business!

4. The Exit - So Leave Then
A great little number about a man fed up with his woman. Most singleness starts out with the aformentioned "so leave then" phrase or "baby I got drunk and had sex with your roommate."

5. Duran Duran - The Reflex
Since this song is completely non threatening there is no way it could possibly conjure up memories of lost love, unless of course you lost your virginity to it.

6. Dr Dre - Dre Day
This song contains the best ho diss in the history of rap as far as I'm concerened.

7. NOFX - Showerdays
Being single means you have the option of going for a day without making a guest appearance in the shower.

8. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Toxic Toast
A great Bosstones song about the ultimate bachelor pad.

9. Johnny Cash - Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down
This was orginally written by Kris Kristofferson but I kind of lost respect for him when I found out he starred in a movie with Barbara Streisand.

10. The Bouncing Souls - Manthem
How could I have a "single dude" list of songs without this one. The ideology of "bros before hoes" has never been sung so eloquently.

YOU have aids!

Everytime I see a commercial for one of those fancypants new drugs that pharmacutical companies are aiming at women they always include the following slogan. "Insert Drug Name Here" doesn't protect against AIDS or HIV.

The only scenario I can conjure up that led up to such a flagrantly obvious statement is that some stupid chick took this drug and thought to herself.

"Holy Shit!!! Now, I can go bang that super hot AIDs patient that just moved in next door!!!!"

One thing obviously leads to another and BOOM she tests positive for AIDS when she herself thought she was invincible.

You know you have thought about it too.

Tehran's latest flapdoodle

Iran is essentially a nation state of high school bullys. I can't recall my high school having a stereotypical bully, but I have figured out that most bullys are generally depicted as dimwitted, and slightly neandarthalic. Anyone who is scratching their heads in utter confustion should take a look at any Calvin and Hobbes collection because the bully that Calvin has to deal with at school always pops into my mind when I think of Iran, especially when they send out press releases like this.

Iran challenges Europe to hand over Holocaust 'proof'

Yup, Iran just essentially asked Europe to hand over their lunch money. If I am ever bored enough to the point where I start attempting to debunk proven mass genocide, then please do me the favor of shooting me in the head, or at least give me a stern talking to. This has to be living proof that Iran's nuclear capabilities aren't moving along as swiftly as they would like them to. If they were, then they wouldn't have the time to sit around scratching their turbans, contemplating proven facts. While they're at it, they might as well go ahead and start denying the existence of the sun, Tang, and The George Foreman Grill. I have always wondered if members of the UN start snickering and giggling when the representative from Iran swaggers into the room. It only seems fitting.

My thoughts on the new Fall Out Boy album.

Just in case you can't tell, thats an Elephants ass and the CD is coming out of it. I wish blogger would allow for larger JPEG's to be posted.

The Mullet of automobiles

I'm not one of those super aggressive drivers who speed up whenever somebody tries to pass me, but there is something really demoralizing about getting passed by an El Camino. An El Camino passed me on the highway this morning while I was cruising along at roughly 75mph. Needless to say for the rest of the drive after this incident I felt pretty worthless